My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
