grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
