My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
