please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
