Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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