Don't make out with my wife yet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
