time to smoke my breakfast
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
