there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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