hell yes lets make some ravioli
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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