I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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