Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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