Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I will pee on everything he values.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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