my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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