Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
