My liver just broke up with me...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
