just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
