I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
