im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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