in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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