Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
