my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
