I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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