I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
