just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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