I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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