The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Hippo gnu deer
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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