Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
