All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
