Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Randomize
