Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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