I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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