just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
