I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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