no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
