Please, let me fuck your mom
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
