i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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