meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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