I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Your face is a jimmy john
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
