So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
