covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
