We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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