i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
