if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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