Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
