THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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