I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
