I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i already hear my dad disowning me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
