I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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