Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
