I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
