At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
